My November tradition is typically to post a daily "note of thanks" on Facebook, but this year I couldn't bring myself to do it. Things like, "I'm thankful for mashed potatoes" and "I'm thankful for crisp winter days" have been replaced with, "I'm thankful I'm alive to give my kids hugs and my husband smooches."
I'm thankful my spectacular five-year-old didn't have cancer in March.
I'm thankful my fingernails and hair are growing back.
I'm thankful I will never have to buy another bra. Ever. Again.
It seemed a little melodramatic, honestly, so I just abstained this month from posting anything at all.
Do you also appreciate that irony? This year, el 2012-oh, has been the year in which I have felt sucked in to the violent, overwhelming undertow of thankfulness. Yet how can I possibly express that on Facebook, especially since I have been largely absent from social media this year?
I tell people the way I know God came alongside me this year is that He daily chose ways I couldn't have guessed. When I got the news at the beginning of January that I had breast cancer, I had total peace that God would guide us through this year. Yet the people who loved us so wholly were often not the ones I would have assumed would be there - that includes faraway friends, brand-new baby friendships and people we knew but never guessed would rally around us the way they did.
Even some of the "obvious" people I expected to be there absolutely knocked my socks off with the degree of their devotion to me and my family.
Yet there were also people I just assumed would come alongside us, and they didn't. At first I felt really hurt - sometimes even angry - but then I realized something important. God often doesn't do the obvious or expected. That's what made this year such a miracle.
"Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus." 1 Thessalonians 5:16 - 18
I have done much rejoicing this year, and boy, have I prayed continually. I have given thanks in all circumstances - and yet I wonder: Should I be thankful for breast cancer?
Very early on in the process, I asked my husband what scared him most about my diagnosis.
"Seeing you hooked up to a bunch of wires and machines," he said simply. "That scares me."
So for my next surgery - my chemo port placement in February - I told him as I was being IV'd up: "You don't need to be here right now. I know this is hard for you to watch."
That sweet man of mine practically rolled his eyes at me. Turns out he was talking about watching me in the final stages of life. He was scared of seeing me hooked up to machines, dying. Because when you are dealing with something like cancer, that's what you think about quite a lot.
So nope. I'm not thankful for the cancer. But I am thankful for friends who I now consider family because I had cancer - for relationships God granted our little family that were deepened because we had to lean on them. I am thankful for realizing just how great "normal" feels because I went through chemo.
In recent weeks, two very dear friends have had heart scares. One texted me the day she went in to the hospital to have her heart shocked that she felt caught off guard, and wished that she had written letters to each of her kids. It made me think back to the breathlessness I felt when I stepped on the cancer train, and the terror of having my life turned upside down.
But it also makes me think about how God has been there for us, every day and in every way. And most of all this year, I'm so thankful for that.
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