Oh ... I remember now.

So I've decided that right now my least favorite time of day is morning, in the moments I first wake up. I'm still recovering from the lumpectomy surgery, so throughout the night I already wake up to shift to a more comfortable position. Thankfully, I have gone right back to sleep the last couple of nights instead of dwelling on this sweet cancer for a couple hours (usually between the hours of 1 and 3 a.m.), and I credit God with allowing me the blessed grace of sleep.

But in the morning, when I first wake up to start my day, my Type A mind begins to think about getting the girls ready. My thoughts go something like this:

"OK. I need to get up, get showered, get dressed - is there anything more Kate needs in her lunch ..."

And then I remember.

The knowledge of the cancer inside of me hits me like giant bucket of cold, sewage-filled water. I feel sick with the weight of it - the upcoming chemo, the probable double mastectomy, losing my hair, my girls dealing with seeing their mom look and act different, and my husband trying so valiantly to be all of our Plymouth Rock.

This realization, and all these accompanying thoughts, happen within seconds. I am still cozy in my bed, snuggled deep in my cocoon of rest, but I almost feel like I am physically reeling.

When I look up at God, I am overwhelmed with a sense of peace that only comes from Him. I know His strength to take care of me, and when I lean into Him - well, it makes me unspeakably thankful for this faith He has allowed me. But this sneaky morning time that invades my thoughts first - well - it sucks.

So what then, you may be asking, is my favorite part of the day? The enjoyment of unexpected delights has become sharper this last week, amidst all these stinky revelations. Yesterday, we experienced the joy of seeing a momma moose and her growing-up baby near our house. I reveled in my 3-year-old's wonder - being new to moose country, this is all fresh to her. And my brother and his wife sent us a beautiful box of chocolates to just make us feel loved right now - and it worked.

My first appointment with the oncologist is scheduled for Jan. 31. I'm trying to convince my surgeon to allow a local doc to look at the post-op healing so I don't have to drive all the way up to Anchorage, but I'll know more today.