Wearing My Life

So the boobs have been whacked.

I am sitting here at my home computer, all bandaged up and musing at how less physically painful this process was to complete. The surgery took a bit more than seven hours because I am apparently "a bleeder" (bilateral mastectomies usually take about four hours), but aside from that, everything has gone great. Immediately following my surgery in the recovery room, I apparently sang in a whisper voice to my husband, "Bye bye, Miss American boobies" to Don McLean's tune of "Bye Bye Miss American Pie." 

(At this time, I also slurrily told a nurse who told me that I did great, "Yes. God has totally blessed me through this." John said she replied, "Thank you for sharing your story." Isn't that cool?)

I broke out of the hospital less than 24 hours after being out of surgery (HOORAY - I abhor hospitals; seriously, how are people expected to get well if their sleep is being interrupted all night by people wanting to check my vitals, get blood or "go for a short walk" at 4:30 in the morning?!), and am now resting very comfortably at home.

That all said, I thought I would take some time to explain why I decided to go this route instead of having radiation treatment. I have told a lot of people about this surgery, mostly to explain in advance of why I would be MIA for a time and why my kids might be acting weirder than usual. Almost always, people ask with widened eyes, "And how do you FEEL about that?"

My answer is always the same: "Excited."

The choice to have a double mastectomy instead of several weeks of daily radiation was shockingly easy for me to make. Because my type of cancer was caught early and the tumor was removed entirely, I was given the crazy choice of mastectomy or radiation. It seems to me that we should be far enough along in our understanding of breast cancer that doctors would be able to clearly tell me which choice would give me the greatest chance of a long, cancer-free life. Alas, not.

So my human understanding tells me this: If I have next to no breast tissue, that will give me a far better chance of avoiding a recurrence in that area. Radiation would only be for my left breast - and because triple negative cancer has a higher rate of recurrence, it makes sense to me that leaving the right side untreated is just plain dangerous.

When I met with the radiation oncologist (Dr. Chung at Alaska Regional - he is simply terrific), he told me that the chances of survival between radiation and mastectomy are about the same. He said that the chance of a recurrence was slightly less with mastectomy. However, if I chose radiation, they are confident a future cancer would be caught early and a second dance with chemo would keep me alive for just as long. 

I have no desire to put my body through radiation, but more importantly, I have an even stronger desire to not go through chemotherapy again if that is at all possible. Can I tell you: It isn't any worse than I thought it would be (everyone knows that chemo sucks) but to actually have to go through that was ghastly. Only God knows if I will have to walk that path again, but in the meantime, I choose to give myself the best shot at staying cancer free!

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6

While I am trying to make the most informed decisions, I also trust that there is a purpose that God has for me and others through this process. I'm excited for what that is, sans breasts.

There is an amazing woman named Tad who talked with me about how she has sustained a lot of stuff in her life that has left physical reminders. For her, they are badges of honor. 

"I'm wearing my life," she said.

This is what I'm going to be thinking in locker rooms at the swimming pool, in changing rooms at department stores and in my shower every day. I'm wearing my life in a way that tells a story, and I encourage the world to ask me about it, because whoa. I have a story to tell!