It is the eve before my last chemo treatment. No. 16 is finally here!
(Can you see my happy dance?)
Yesterday we participated in the usual Fourth of July revelry. The girls ran in a special kiddie race - a much smaller version of the annual marathon here - and we got to watch hundreds of men and women racers in action. I just kept thinking to myself: "How beautiful that the week I celebrate my freedom from chemo is the week America celebrates her independence?!"
(I just added some high kicks to that dance of joy.)
I have been feeling unusually tired this last week, but my oncologist told me to expect waves like this toward the end of treatment. Someone recently asked me how I have been able to physically get through the last several months and without thinking, I responded: "Denial!" Being the stay-at-home momma to these two little ladies has allowed me to push myself so much harder than I would have otherwise.
But the other day, I was at the end of my rope. It's been a very busy last few weeks, and I found myself unable to get out of bed. This is not a good thing when you have a husband at work and two little girls who need their mommy. I conned them into snuggling, and then rested on the couch while they ate breakfast. Then I put on a cartoon and rested some more. It made me so angry with myself.
Later in the day, some packages arrived - a gift for Bella because she has turned 4 and something from a friend on Prince of Wales. My fingernails have continued their withdrawal and I was in no mood to mess with the cardboard so I left them. Then I got to the business of preparing a meal for a new mom who just had her sixth child. I was still feeling pooped, but whew. Six kids? That makes chemo sound easy!
After it was delivered and we were back at home, I opened the box from the friend (Belle gets her party on Saturday, so she'll open hers then). Inside was a beautiful tote bag that read: "Just Trust God." It brought tears to my eyes! When I think about how He has loved and provided for us these last many months - wow. What a process this has been, and continues to be of leaning, healing and regaining our footing. I feel so unspeakably thankful; so many times things have worked out so perfectly that there is no other way to explain it BUT God.
I took a photo of my fingernails and planned to post it here (because, shoot, I know I would have been curious to know how they turned out if I were one of the readers here). But I think I'll spare you. I trust God will return them to their full length in time! And if He doesn't, I trust that there must a reason for that, too.
(Although, God? Seriously: Let there be no confusion from me. I thank you for creating fingernails in us people and pray that you would allow me to use them to their full potential soon!)
Even though the fig trees have no blossoms,
ReplyDeleteand there are no grapes on the vines;
even though the olive crop fails,
and the fields lie empty and barren;
even though the flocks die in the fields,
and the cattle barns are empty,
yet I will rejoice in the Lord!
I will be joyful in the God of my salvation!
The Sovereign Lord is my strength!
He makes me as surefooted as a deer,
able to tread upon the heights.
Hab 3 : 17-19
You have turned my mourning into joyful dancing.
You have taken away my clothes of mourning and clothed me with joy, Ps 30 : 11
Celebrating the end!!!!
Every small detail, even the hairs on your head are numbered, So to God cares about the fingernails! I will pray with you for them to return!!!
YAHOO! Glad to hear that it's the final one. PTL! You will be most happy to know that I penned a nice missive to you today. Hope to get it in the mail very soon and wing it your way. I only wish it was me that was doing the winging. Love you!
ReplyDeleteI wish I could write and express how I feel as you do. You are a very talented writer. I just wanted to tell you how much this blog has meant to me as a stay at home mom. My levels of thankfulness has jumped leaps and bounds just remembering what you are going through. Like for instance; we have no dish washer in our rental and I have been known to throw fits about that fact. The other day I caught my self in mid sentence after asking my husband to do the little bit of dishes that were in the sink....I told him, "after cooking and cleaning and being so tired and taking care of Eva, if I have to do one more----" I stopped myself in mid sentence and said,"I am so thankful for our dishes, every utensil every spatula. I am so glad we have a wonderful home and we can afford to buy dish soap." God is doing a work in all of us in different ways and to read what you go through and how you are taking this trial is seriously encouraging. I want to be more like you. I am sure you have your moments but as far as I can see you are making our heavenly father proud of you! Thank you for sharing this with is. Also I'd like to ask you if I could share this blog with my friends. God bless. Know you are making a difference. Also know you have a sister in Christ praying for you.
ReplyDeleteThe last comment was from me, Tanya Clark. :)
DeleteThank you, sweet peeps, for your comments and celebrating this last chemo alongside me. I don't know where we would be without people like you coming beside us - I seriously thank God for each of you! Tanya: You are welcome to share this blog with anyone. At one point, there were people I was trying to buffer from knowing about this but I think just about everyone is in the loop! Please also be encouraged: I'm a dishwasher kinda gal, too, and the times I have had to do without one have also crankatized me. Good for you for turning your eyes up and thanking God for the blessings amid the ashes - or in this case, dirty dishes!
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