The purpose behind the suck

Chemo No 5: complete.

That's not a typo - I skipped over blogging about Chemo No. 4 in its entirety. Not only was it the worst one yet due to the onslaught of new side effects, but we were also going through our darkest days since this started because we learned that Kate could have cancer, too. The initial report is the the mass appears to be benign, but we are still waiting for the final report. I have called the surgeon's office twice and will try again on Monday.

So: Moving right along.

Today I started the first of 12 weekly treatments of Taxol. Most people have been telling me that this one is far easier than the adriamycin and cytoxan I took the first four treatments. And YAY: They appear to be right. But since this was a new type of drug, I was pumped full of an "extra large" dose of Benadryl to help prevent a really bad allergic reaction.

"How often do people have an allergic reaction to Taxol?" I asked Nurse Annie (she is my favorite).

"Oh. Not so often, really. But with the high volume of people we see, it still happens its fair share."

Well alrighty then. She had me sign the standard disclosure and started the Benadryl drip via my port.

What does Benadryl do to you, dear reader? Because this "extra large" dose put me in a bit of coma. It was actually lovely. I have been having difficulty sleeping between the hours of 1 and 4 a.m., and I could feel my body slurping up rest like a smooth chocolate milkshake. It felt divine.

A woman named Sharon moved into the recliner next to mine and began her chemo. I woke up once as she unplugged herself (meaning, the pump's electrical outlet on the floor so she could wheel her IV with her) and left her seat. I marveled at how smoothly she did that, wondering if that revealed someone who has been battling cancer for a good long while. I assumed she was going to the bathroom, and then went back to sleep.

I woke up to the nurses having a conference - my eyes were closed, but I could hear them panicking. It turns out Sharon didn't go the bathroom. Instead, she left the office and took a joyride down the 4th Floor hall to the American Cancer Society office. They apparently have a little shop down there with all sorts of free stuff for us cancer chicks and dudes. Wigs, scarves, quilts, pillows, pins, books.

"You can go down there," Sharon told me later, "and get whatever you want. Go have your husband get you one of these pillows. And a wig. You really should get yourself a wig. And get your kids some stuff, too, if you see something they might like. They're going through this, too."

The three nurses took turns giving Sharon a lecture about how she was never to do that again. She had placed herself in danger - she could have fallen. Or the IV pole pump could have tipped over. Looking at our insurance paperwork, my own treatments for the first four weeks were about $12,000 for the IV drips. So I'm sure the nurses also didn't want several thousand dollars in drugs getting soaked up in the carpet.

However, is it wrong for me to say that I rather admired Sharon? I would not do that kind of joyride myself - I am a huge klutz who is famous for my own Chevy Chase-like falls - but being chained to an IV for several hours is ... numbing. I am a Warp 9 kind of gal. After about 30 minutes, I am ready to be done already, thank you. I am ready to go to the bathroom without having to announce it or get help.

My hubby passed along his "EMBRACE THE SUCK / GOD HAS A PURPOSE" wristband to Sharon today. We got the "embrace" verbiage from a wristband that John was given at a Trooper training several weeks ago. We explained the meaning: We all go through sucky times, but boy, do they equip and teach us in ways that smooth-sailing periods do not.

Our own family has incredible peace knowing that God has a reason and a plan in all things. He tells us in the Bible to embrace these times of suffering because He has a purpose. Think the Apostle Paul. Moses. David. Jonah. Joseph. Peter. The blind man. The lepers. And of course: Jesus. Here are two Bible verses we have had on our hearts these last few months:

Romans 5:3-5
"Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us."

Romans 8:28
"And we now that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."

I'll grant you this, however. Embracing the suck is way easier when it's your own suffering. When it comes to imagining your child losing their hair for chemo treatments, or them getting the "pleasure" of mouth sores, rectal bleeding from hemorrhoids, cuts that won't stop bleeding, hands that crack from dryness, a mouth that feels like it is the Sahara Desert and on and on ... suddenly that purpose feels a lot more remote and far away. But our prayer is that God continues to allow us to experience His daily provision, and we thank Him - deeply - for others' prayers for our family and allowing us to lean on Him so heavily.