Side Effects, Ad Nauseam

So last night, I woke up with a frightfully dry mouth. Like, no spit in the pie hole, whatsoever. I swallowed with great difficulty, and boy: It hurt to re-wet that desert of a dorrito shoot. And then I also discovered, in that moment, that I had developed mouth sores - another of the usual side effects for my type of chemo. Upon waking for my day, I realized my oral, saliva-less Sahara was not going away and the sores were painfully present.

Even greater a tragedy, however: I have not been able to comfortably drink coffee in about a week. First it was because of an injury I sustained when I was intubated during the chemo port surgery - my throat was very swollen and I could not handle hot stuff. But now that I'm over that, it just tastes yucky.

Yucky?!! How can that be?? Those of you who know me well know that I L-O-V-E my coffee. I have hailed the glory of coffee in Facebook posts more than once. I was counting on The Bean to help me through especially fatigue-filled days in the coming months - I am the stay-at-home momma to a 3-year-old, and who knows what shenanigans could erupt if I am not fully present.

I am full of hope that I might be able to rekindle my romance ... but so far, the love is gone.

Other than that, it's been a pretty good week. I helped out in Kate's class yesterday, which proved to be a bit much ... I am learning that if I combine any level of feeling tired with hunger, I get pretty bent out of shape (meaning: emotional with a healthy side of queasy). Small snacks throughout the day are the key.

Small snacks - just like when I was preggers with both girls. There have been several parallels to pregnancy this last month that have surprised me - the nausea, the feeling of being bloated, the exhaustion, the inability to eat some foods. The correlation stops there - I am not delighted that this is happening, and I do not have a gorgeous little bundle of baby to anticipate. I am down one chemo appointment and have 15 more to go. And then we decide between mastectomy or six weeks of radiation.

One of my favorite verses is:

"Be still, and know that I am God." Psalm 46:10

I am a do-it-in-my-own-strength kind of person. Yet God has allowed me a stillness throughout this process that has brought a profound peace. He has continued to send encouragement in many forms. People are stepping forward and offering their help with the girls when I need to make trips to Anchorage for treatment. Cards and emails arrive every few days, reminding me that people are committed to praying for our family. I seriously need to so an entirely separate blog entry of the love-filled packages we have received in the last couple of weeks.

The tender thought and sacrifice behind all of this brings me to my knees in thanks.